My sweet wife and I had a heart to heart the other day. It left me feeling so down that its taken a while before I feel able to write about it.That’s not her fault, it is always best that our partners speak their mind, and I am grateful for that.
It seems her dream of us growing older together has been one of ‘sailing into the sunset on the arms of her husband, a man’. And that is no longer possible as more of this woman is revealed.
I feel I haven’t changed, that I am fundamentally the same person she fell in love with and married some 20 years ago. Then I didn’t recognise the woman within, now I am realising/recognising more of that person. Then, I thought of myself as ‘a man’, now I know I wasn’t (not in the gender binary sense anyway). I don’t think my attitudes, values or behaviour has changed. But through hormones my body is changing and I dress more feminine.
She says my body is different. Breasts are developing, my shape is changing, I no longer smell like a man.
She misses her man and I am truly, truly sorry for that.
I don’t want for me ‘to win’ and for her ‘to lose’. Does transition always involve a ‘zero sum’?
Can I be a husband and a trans-woman?
Above all I know I love my lady as much as life itself. Always have, always will.
We will stay together, we will work ‘this out’.
Your thoughts are welcome.