Must Transition always be a zero sum process?

My sweet wife and I had a heart to heart the other day. It left me feeling so down that its taken  a while before I feel able to write about it.That’s not her fault, it is always best that our partners speak their mind, and I am grateful for that.

It seems her dream of us growing older together has been one of ‘sailing into the sunset on the arms of her husband, a man’. And that is no longer possible as more of this woman is revealed.

I feel I haven’t changed, that I am fundamentally the same person she fell in love with and married some 20 years ago. Then I didn’t recognise the woman within, now I am realising/recognising more of that person. Then, I thought of myself as ‘a man’, now I know I wasn’t (not in the gender binary sense anyway). I don’t think my attitudes, values or behaviour has changed. But through hormones my body is changing and I dress more feminine.

She says my body is different. Breasts are developing, my shape is changing, I no longer smell like a man.

She misses her man and I am truly, truly sorry for that.

I don’t want for me ‘to win’ and for her ‘to lose’. Does transition always involve a ‘zero sum’?

Can I be a husband and a trans-woman?

Above all I know I love my lady as much as life itself. Always have, always will.

We will stay together, we will work ‘this out’.


Your thoughts are welcome.


12 thoughts on “Must Transition always be a zero sum process?

  1. I was debating about if I should leave a comment or not. After all I don’t have any experience with this situation. Therefore what could I offer to the discussion and what you and many others have to go through in transition.

    But when it is stripped down it is all about expectations. Expectations of what we think is best for us. What we have been taught and learn to form those expectations. Not that those expectations are really the best for us, but we have faith that those expectations will be best for us.

    Right now your wife’s expectations are being tested by your transition. It is understandable that she will stubbornly stick to them because that is what she has faith in. With time and patience she might lose faith and allow herself to understand that its not a husband that she wants but a person that loves and will care for her always. Regardless if that person looks male, female or something else doesn’t matter because its the love we seek from another person and be able to give that love back that really matters.

    At the same time don’t be sorry. Don’t be hard on yourself for not fulfilling her expectations. You are you are and you have your own desires that should be fulfilled just as much as hers. Instead of being sorry be the person you are. Show her that even though your bodies appearance has changed, you haven’t. That you do care and love her still just as much if not more than before. Let the experience teach her that the expectation of having a husband is not what really matters.

    So maybe at the beginning of the game it may seem a zero sum. One person has to lose so the other can gain. But with time, patience, understanding and most of love then I think the game can be a positive sum game. Where both of you win and sail off into the sunset happy with each other regardless of the words that are use to describe each other.

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  2. You can work it out, given patience with one another. Answer her thousands of questions and her concerns calmly, remembering everything is new for her. Continue emphasizing you are, and will always be, you… the person she fell in love with. Over time she will come to love the new you, too. I can cite personal experience that it went from total shock to actually enjoying playing with my new breasts haha! She said, “I’m playing with your nipples but I’m the one getting wet.” Fun ensued. Good luck to you both, dolls.

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  3. I wonder what she is afraid of. My father knew he was more woman than man when he married my mother, but kept it hidden until five years in she discovered ‘her’. My mother says she felt crushed, and then so ashamed, as if somehow it was a reflection of her – that she had done something wrong. She worried about what others would think, and although they never went public, she felt her life evolved around her partner and his/her needs. She missed the affections of a man, confessed to me after Dad died that she missed the sexual intimacy of a man( she would kill me for disclosing as much, lol.) But these are different times and it sounds like you have progressed together. Some things are hard to talk about – I think you are handling it well.


  4. I wish you the very best of luck with that. I have made a lot of changes in my own life along the same lines. So many things up in the air right now and then life gets in the way!


  5. I of course wish you all the luck in the world. To answer your question, none of us can really say because we don’t really know you or your spouse. Even if we did, who truly knows what is in someone’s heart? I can tell you what’s often happened in stories I’ve followed and I think you know how my marriage has gone.

    No marriage seems to survive truly intact in the sense that the couple is still intimate and bonded in the same way. There are some rare cases where the wife is bisexual as well as being flexible in her thinking and able to adapt to her husband changing. This is one big adjustment. Yet if the wife is bi or pansexual it might happen over time.

    Some marriages settle into more of a platonic marriage. Something more than a friendship but generally without intimacy. There can be a lot of caring and there are certainly advantages of having a partner to grow old with. There are days I wished we had been able to go this way.

    Of course separation and divorce are possible.

    You shouldn’t feel guilty, but its going to be months or years before you’ll be able to find that in yourself. This is something that takes a big toll on everyone. Keep reminding yourself that you do not control the outcome all by yourself. You have an influence and she does too.

    You’ll need to see how far you need to go. Will you need FFS, reassignment surgery? The more you do, the harder it will be to remain bonded. I would encourage you to do what you need, but understand that it is a trade off.

    Is it a zero sum game? No, you will get to be the person you need to be, with a healthy mind. Your wife will have her choice of life, either together with you or not. There may be a cost to each of you, but after a while you will both recover if that comes to past.

    Be of good cheer, and try your best. Keep talking, and more importantly listening, to her.

    Liked by 1 person

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