Today I think I better understand dysphoria, or at least how it affects me. As I written previously, I never really felt significantly affected but no longer. Today is tough.
I know I don’t pass. But I really wish I did. I hate that I might be/am seen as a ‘man’ in a dress. Sometimes I sorta wish there was a pill that would remove this ‘woman’ in me and let me be fully a man. And then again that idea horrifies me. I love living as a woman, this IS me and I don’t want/can’t go back. But I wish (and I know many/most of us do too) that I would be seen as a woman.
I look at cis women’s faces for what it is that tells me they are ‘woman’. I particularly look at older women, around my age ( it is said that women and men get to look more similar as we age). I wonder what is it exactly that conveys that here is a woman. Is there a feature that I could change that would significantly improve my chances of being read as a woman?
And then, why should it matter? Trans women were born male and are male, no one can change that – we can only change the appearance of our bodies. Those not lucky to transition before the evils of testosterone bear the scars. Maybe we should be proud to be seen as transgender, accepted as transgender and as ‘normal’ people, because we are.
So far I have only talked in terms of appearance. I know my voice is quite deep and I am not fluent in the style in which women typically speak. This I can learn. I presumably can learn to speak in a more feminine tone. But both take effort and realistically require working with a voice coach and that means money. Probably more than I have. And if my face doesn’t pass what’s the point of my voice ‘passing’.
I am for the first time considering exploring face feminisation surgery (FFS). I don’t know whether it can make a significant difference and how affordable it might be. Tomorrow I may feel differently, perhaps there are make-up skills I can learn that will achieve a similar effect.
The further I travel along my transition path, the more obstacles there seem to be.
P.S. If you are in the UK and have had FFS or voice coaching, might you reply (or email me) with your thoughts. Any practitioners to consider?
P.P.S Feeling that bad tonight, that I am going out in drab for the first time in months. Sure I’ll feel better tomorrow.