A fish ‘out of water’

I went to a wonderful concert this weekend with my wife and a close friend of hers. I chose the back seat of the car, so they could catch up on gossip. Wow, for the 50 minute journey each way the gossip never stopped. Now this is not a negative comment on how women natter. It is instead a comment on what being brought up as boy means I have not learned. Men just don’t share in ways similar to women.

There are loads of other ways in which the upbringing of girls differs from that of boys, all ways which as a trans-woman I have not been party to. Ways that I need to learn and adopt (if I can) if I want to share in women’s company to the full.

Skills in make-up is just the tip of the proverbial iceberg.

Because I know that concert venues just don’t have enough loos for women and because I am still not comfortable using a women’s loo in a popular venue, I chose to tone down what I was wearing so as to use the mens. Though everything I wore was from a women’s store, jeans and a sweater plus trainers (albeit pink and grey) I could use the men’s loos without comment. Waiting in line with other women stresses me out. And men just don’t go to the loo with their mates, and converse in line (of course they never have to wait in line!)

Like many trans women, I know I don’t ‘pass’. And I am not yet fully comfortable being me. Being out trans makes me feel that I stand out and I don’t want to. I would really like to be comfortable being me, a transgender woman. I would like all of us transgender women to feel comfortable being out and about as ourselves, without fear of being ‘picked out’, talked about or even just causing eyebrows to be raised.

Interestingly I’ve never (I probably should say ‘not yet’) experienced being ‘picked out’ whilst on the till in my local Oxfam shop. Indeed yesterday I think I somewhat surprised one lady who asked what size a particular men’s jacket was, by putting it one and telling her that it was probably a size 37/38 inch because I was a 36 (and size 14).

Though I don’t like feeling like the proverbial ‘fish out of water’, I certainly have no desire to try living as a man. I am a transgender woman, and loving living in my true gender at last.




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