Hitting The Brick Wall

Funny how one can be getting on with enjoying life when suddenly dysphoria strikes changing everything.

My sweet wife and I were entering a local hall going to a ceilidh ( traditional dance) when suddenly a horrible black cloud descended. In truth, I am not sure it descended, it felt more like I walked straight into it.) It’s times like this when I am confronted by the mismatch between the woman in my mind’s eye (the woman I see myself being) and the reality of a male body fashioned by the poison that is testosterone.

I know I am luckier than some, my body isn’t particularly masculine, but then there are others who recognise their true gender in their teens and twenties (or before) and thorough hormone blockers limit the damage done. At 68 I am so used to seeing a face in the mirror that I ‘see’ as male, that it is difficult to imaging anyone will ever see it as female. That might be reality, or it might just be conditioning in the sense that I am so used to seeing my face as a male face, having only truly recognised my true gender late in life.

I know there is a lot of discussion in transgender circles about this desire to ‘pass’ as cis and a large part of me agrees we are best served by celebrating our true selves and rejecting generally held ideas of what constitutes a ‘woman’ and what ‘beauty’ and ‘feminine’, but when I walk into a room of cis women I feel a freak. Or I did last evening. I felt like I was a ‘man in a dress’ (even though I was wearing jeans), a ‘fake’. I so hate feeling like this.



The day had started well. My new drivers licence arrived with the magic 5 as the second digit, denoting ‘female’. Sort of nice photo too.

I’m still a ‘work in progress’, so much to learn.

And there’s no going back. Never. Not ever.



13 thoughts on “Hitting The Brick Wall

  1. I Understand the Dysphoria that comes and goes. It seems to always to show up at the most inoportune times. I try and usually, but not always succeed in pushing that dysphoria away. BUt as i pay more and more attention to females and the design of many of the features that are so varying and different, I find I am and from your picture, no different than any of the cis women out there and we should not let things get all into skins and bring us down. WE finally own ourselves and we should let that shine bright. Even though it is sometimes mentally hard to do.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I am also 68 and just beginning my journey of transition. That black cloud is there for me too and you are doing so well. I can only believe or at least hope and dream that presenting my 6’2″ feminine self gets easier over time. Hang in.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Your post is soo encouraging. At 58 my dysphoria is worse than . Your post your life really makes me think that i can transition though i am not very brave.


  4. As you progress, I believe you will find this brick wall to be slightly more malleable than you think right at the moment.

    It becomes that way not because your thoughts stop .. but because eventually, you realize that you are female, just like “them”, and even if they do not seem to accept or support that (which I feel sometimes), you are still you, a female walking around in this world, mowing down brick walls.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. The feeling of being a fake is hard to bear and many of us can empathise with you Antonia. But that is just our ego trying to protect us from what it sees as danger (of rejection or whatever.) Realising where the problem is originating from can help in responding to it I have found.
    Does everyone around you believe you are a fake? Probably not. Your wife supports you. A lot of your followers on this site obviously don’t think that. So it might be the protecting ego that is out of step.
    And anyway, have you noticed that most interesting older people, of any gender have developed interesting, quirky, interests?
    Old cars, gardening, bush walking, knitting, traveling.
    Gender affirmation is obviously not just a quirky hobby but it does make you objectively interesting and that in itself is a wonderful benefit.
    And to use Deb’s thought of you mowing down brick walls, you would have to be seen as interesting indeed as an older transitioning demolisher and brick layer. But don’t break a nail.
    It is all in the way we look at it.

    Liked by 1 person

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